Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Inherent Trollish Superiority

'ello, mon! Stop from The Stoppable Force here, briefly taking over Jezriyah's blog. I read somewhere recently that trolls continue to be the least-played race in the Horde ranks, and that, my friends, is a damned crying shame. I'm going to hijack Jezriyah's blog to remind you that trolls are better than whatever race you picked. Don't believe me? Let's take it race-by-race.

Humans: Bah, where do I begin? Humans don't have awesome tusks. Humans have stupid haircuts. (Here's a drinking game: hang around Dalaran, and every time you see a male human with a blood elf haircut, drink. Spoiler: don't make any plans for the rest of the night.) Female humans have a perpetually glassy look in their eyes that kind of makes it look like maybe they've been breathing a goblin engineer's fumes for too long. Oh, and lest we forget, the men all have unrealistically buff builds when unarmored, but put that armor on and put them beside any other race and they look positively puny. Talk about false expectations...

Dwarves: Stumpy little beard-wearing rock-diggers. They've got the hunting thing all wrong, and Blizzard buys into it - bows should totally be the superior endgame weapons, proving once again that Blizzard favors the Alliance. Plus they keep insisting on interestin' me inna pint, but I've had dwarven stout - and frankly, I'm more interested in some o'dat troll voodoo.

Gnomes: Appetizers. Moving along.

Night Elves: Conclusive research has proven that night elves are basically troll descendants. They're what you'd get if you took a troll, gave it blank eyes and bigger ears, manhands for all the ladies, and an irrepressible urge to dance naked on mailboxes. Trolls are learning to be druids in Cataclysm because frankly, night elves are a complete and total embarrassment to their original species. Trolls: the better night elves.

Draenei: Now, you can say a lot about trolls. You can say that trolls remained primitive for a long time, and this is true. You can say that trolls have a nasty tendency to eat their enemies and sometimes their friends, and this is true. But can you say that trolls have ever made a deal with the fel influence of the Burning Legion, leading to the corruption of Sargeras and destroying an entire planet in the process, indirectly getting their own race wiped out by rampaging orcs, and - lest we forget - crashing an interdimensional spaceship into an island chain off the coast of Kalimdor? No, you can not.

Orcs: Ordinarily it'd be hard for me to say anything bad about the orcs, but they've put Garrosh in charge and seem perfectly content to leave him there. Barring that - he does seem to be growing on people - orcs could use some help with their tusks. Troll tusks are clearly superior - look at your average male troll, who could easily dig a grave with his tusks (and then put you in it with his bow skills).

Tauren: Well, someone's got to be the main course, right? Gnome frittata for a starter, tauren steaks for the main course. Moo!

Forsaken: The trolls and the Forsaken do have a little bit in common: namely, terrible posture. However, the trolls have enlightenment. We long since learned to stop trying to wear shoes, whereas the Forsaken seem completely unable to dress themselves without tearing everything apart. You'd think with that much exposed bone, you'd want to be a little more careful... Then again, when you smell as bad as these zombies, and, oh yeah, your leader has a traitorous plan to wipe out all living things on Azeroth, including your own allies, maybe you don't care about a little broken elbow or two.

Blood Elves: After those gnome frittatas and tauren steaks, we're going to need to get toothpicks from somewhere. I can clearly see your blood elf's ribs from here, and it looks like those would do nicely.

In short, it's time you go to WoW account management and pony up the cash to make yourself into a troll. And with that, I'll be seein' ya!


Shawndra said...

What a fortunate thing that Stop has seen the light and knows trolls are the best :)

He's the type I like to sink my teeth into -.^

Anansi said...

Heck yes.

Trolls are indeed the superior race and all the above reasons are very correct.

The only downside to Trolls is that the males really need to develop a better sense of humour (ie new /silly options!).